Why I Craved Celery Today

Today I opened the refrigerator to get a snack and saw a cool, crisp piece of celery that was washed and trimmed. It looked great. I ate it and washed it down with a glass of fresh, filtered water from our refrigerator. This was a a first. I actually think I may have succeeded in changing my eating habits. With the exception of Thanksgiving and Kenny's and Joe's birthdays, I have been eating very well for the past two months. I have rarely had any refined grain products, and almost no sweets.

Why I have been able to stick to my pre-diabetic diet for the first time is a mystery to me. But I have several theories. One is that I am much less stressed out than while I was working, so I am not eating to sooth myself or because I am exhausted. The second is that regular exercise has reduced my cravings. The third is that my life is changing, and I am avoiding behaviors that make me tired and frustrated, and thus am less likely to over eat.

One change is that I am trying to let go of the notion that I have to fix everything that goes wrong or might go wrong with my daughters or husband. I grew up having to know how to avoid the wrath of a maniacal mother and deal with a chronically depressed father. I learned at an early age to be able to read mood and body language and to understand and mitigate unpleasant circumstances. I used these skills in school to be the A student who always seemed to know just what the professor wanted or needed to hear. I used the skills in the workplace to convince those around me to do whatever was required to make the office go smoothly. And I got lots of positive feedback for these behaviors.

But these behaviors took time and energy and did not allow me to do things that were new, creative, or just plain fun. So now is the time to do whatever I please, and I really have no excuses to hold me back, except that it is difficult to change old patterns. The the first change was the hardest. For me that was starting to exercise. Now other changes are coming with surprising rapidity. So maybe this is why I craved celery today.

An Active Life of Thought

Since the grand kids went back to school in September, I have been experimenting with unplanned thinking. This a new concept for me. My mind works by keeping a never-ending day-planner front and center in the executive center of my brain. Each day there are short-term goals (take a bath), medium-term goals (finish my Christmas shopping) and long-term goals (run a a mile). For forty years, I have woken each day knowing exactly what I wanted/needed to do. Unless my body backfired on me, I generally achieved what I had planned.

Now I am experimenting by leaving some time unstructured, to do whatever I feel like doing. And most of this time I spend thinking. My own thoughts about life, nature, philosophy, art, you-name-it, are endlessly interesting to me. If I read, or see an exhibition of painting or a go to a movie, this creates enough material for me to think about for at least two or three days. It is intensely pleasurable.


But there are several problems with this choice of life style. The first is dealing with my own guilt. I have a pretty heavy dose of the puritan work ethic. The second is dealing with the reactions of others. When I tell them I am thinking, the most common response is, "you deserve a rest!" This inevitably makes me angry because I think everyone should have time to think even if they haven't been busy for forty years. It also angers me because my thinking, although directed internally, is a very active pursuit and I am not just lying around doing nothing. Another problem is exercise. Thinking is cutting into my exercise time. This combined with not having an outdoor pool and sunshine, has reduced me to doing only one or two blocks per day. The blocks alternate between walking, which I still hate, and stretching, which I enjoy.


On the positive side, thinking has reduced my stress level and my compulsive eating is less evident. It is much easier for me to stick to my pre-diabetic diet most of the time. My weight has continued to decline at the rate of about 2 pounds per month, so I am now down ten pounds. I feel good physically and mentally. Each day is different because my mind takes me to different places.


Another change is that now, when I am in a social setting, I am very outgoing. I have always been an introvert who extroverts well, but it has been a challenge. I am definitely not a party person. In the past, after large social gatherings, I always felt like a had to go home and assume a fetal position mentally (physically I was way too fat and stiff to even attempt this.) I have always preferred small gatherings and especially intense one-on-one discussions to big bashes, unless I host the bash at my house. I am sure this is a control issue, but I feel like I can be myself when entertaining in my on home.

Last night we were invited to an engagement party for my nephew and his wonderful girlfriend. I genuinely had a good time. But perhaps I over did it. With one glass of bubbly (I generally don't drink any more because of my blood sugar), I was prompted to tell the saga of how Joe and I met and decided to marry, which is not the romantic story that would be appropriate for the occasion. As if this weren't bad enough, I then expounded on some of Joe's old girlfriends, making him mad. It was probably not the best choice of subject matter, but what can I say. All my inward energy exploded in a barrage of verbiage. Thankfully, the center of attention of the evening remained on the beautiful young couple, sharing their joy with their family. I think I will leave it there.

Back at Last

I have been gone from this blog for a long time during which I have experienced a period of inactivity and introspection. I am not really certain what external factors led me to drop out of my exercise program. -- there were illnesses, back problems and family issues, but to me the inability to get my body going seemed more internal. During this inactive period I felt entitled to do nothing on some days. After all, I have kept to a rather tight schedule for forty years. I also felt I needed silence and time where I did not have to deal with other people. I must say that I am a true introvert, in the sense that I feel the most centered when I spend time alone in silence.

And then of course there are sports. October is my favorite month. It features the
World Series (my oldest daughter when she was five called it the World Serious because of how determined I was not to be interrupted during the games.) There is also both college and professional football. But please do not ask me about the Redskins. Their performance alone is enough to drive me into a catatonic state. And my grandsons are playing football and doing very well at winter swim meets. During the past month I also watched the President's Cup, the world tack and field championships, the world gymnastic championships, iceskating and world cup ski racing.

But whatever the many reasons for my withdraw from blogging and exercise, I now feel ready to come back to this part of my life. Today, Allyson and I did two walking blocks at Brookside Gardens. It was raining and the last survivors of the amazingly colored fall leaves still held tenaciously to the trees. The chrysanthemums were vibrant. They were pruned to form perfect balls and topiaries which offended my sensibilities. I prefer wild gardens, or those with subtle structure.

Allyson and I have been developing a small conservatory in our sun room. We have a gardenia, an evergreen, a mum and some ferns. I also have a small jade plant that I hope to use to start a bonsai garden. The sun room 's air seems wet and super oxygenated. We bought a wicker chaise lounge and several chairs, and I love to have my morning coffee in there. I feel as if air is rejuvenating.

I also feel I can now reach out to friends again, and put words on the computer, so I expect to be writing more often. I feel like I can return to my exercise program. Tomorrow we are going to Miami for a few days, and I am looking forward to many hours in the pool and the ocean.